Empathy - Fake It ‘Til You Make It
In the last week I’ve worked my way through the new Amazon Prime series called As We See It. The show is about three young adults living with autism and working toward becoming independent. For those of you who are unfamiliar with autism, social skills are often difficult for them. They frequently don’t pick up on the natural social cues that others learn to attend to in childhood and adolescence. Their social skills have to be taught, practiced and honed with intention. It takes work.
In the one episode we just watched the character, Jack, remarked that he was going to practice empathy with one of his roommates. He knew what empathy was. He described it as pretending you care about something that is important to someone else but which you could really care less about. He used more colorful language to say it. The point is, he knew that people get upset about things and showing you care about what they are going through helps comfort them and kindle connection. On this occasion, he said he was going to “pretend”, because he knew, at that moment, that he truly did not care about his roommate’s issue, yet he did want to develop the capacity for empathy and connection. So he tries.
It all sounds terribly self-serving and Jack admits that he’s doing this more for himself than he is for his roommate. Jack understands in an intellectual sense that caring for others is an important aspect of relationships and he wanted to be in relationship with other people. It’s something worth knowing how to do. In 12-step programs they tell you to “fake it ‘til you make it”. Jack was doing just that. He was behaving empathetically and hoping that along the way, he would actually become a more empathetic person. I think he will. Practicing behaviors, like good eye contact, nodding and mirroring emotions we see in another’s face, reflecting back what we’ve heard, learning to feel and name emotions … are the skills of empathy. By doing this we connect, not only with others’ feelings, but maybe also more with those feelings in ourselves.
In my tradition, we often talk about how “praying shapes believing” and believing shapes prayer. I think the same may be true of empathy. If we act in ways that evidence empathy, just maybe … we become more empathetic. It’s not so much about what we feel, as it is about what the other person is feeling, and showing them we’re there with them. People will not often remember what you say, but they will always remember how you treated them. So don’t be afraid to “fake it ‘til you make it”. Just show up and listen even if that’s all you can do. It may be just what someone needs.
