Be Curious
Recently I attended a presentation on “how to disagree”. The presenter said that disagreeing wasn’t a time to debate a better idea. It wasn’t a dismissal of another’s thoughts, beliefs or values. It wasn’t a time to dispute an issue or dissent. I liked his use of alteration, with all the d’s (decline, dismiss, dissent, dispute, debate). Very cool, and I liked his definition of what he thought it meant to disagree. “The process of uncovering where, how and why we part ways with someone’s conclusion or perception.” Through that simple act of redefining, he reframed a potential argument into a mutual task of discovery. Also cool … and difficult.
We’re living in a time when it’s easy to get conflicting information on just about any topic you can imagine, from the most environmentally friendly dish soap to climate change and mask wearing. Everyone who has an opinion tends to put it up on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram or Twitter. Social media has made it incredibly easy to quickly broadcast emotionally charged reactions and “share” our often polarized views to hundreds, if not thousands, of followers in an instant. I have begun to wonder if this accessibility has reduced our ability and inclination to do the kind of work I think the presenter was suggesting, to disagree in love.
That doesn’t mean that we simply state our positions, notice they aren’t the same, and agree to never talk about the subject again. It means that we agree to talk even MORE about it! And not only do we talk more, we talk lovingly, compassionately and with a sense of curiosity. Curiosity is your secret weapon in the boxing ring of disagreement. Remember, the goal is to uncover “where, how and why” you have parted ways with someone else’s conclusion. That means it starts with your own interior work. We are tasked with learning something new about ourselves as we grow in our understanding of the other person. We are both changed. It takes two to tango.
So listening carefully to what the other is saying, checking frequently to be sure you’re understanding them correctly, and only then weigh it against your own information, beliefs and values. Once you feel you understand the other, ask if they would like to hear what you’re thinking and feeling. We don’t often ask permission before we offer our opinions. We just give them like they’re free candy no one would ever think to refuse. That can trip us up, particularly if the conversation is laden with emotion. Not all conversations can handle the weight of two differing stances in the same sitting. Maybe the first conversation can only handle one person’s perspective, so you agree to talk again. Maybe you’re too emotionally charged to deliver your views compassionately, and need time to calm down. Usually, our emotions get triggered when we feel threatened by what we’re hearing or seeing. We go into survival mode, get defensive, stop listening.
Yvonne Agazarian, who developed System Centered Theory, talks about our survivor role and the curious observer. When our survival is threatened, the only way to diffuse it in another is with empathy. Name and join on the feelings. To diffuse it in ourselves, ice curious. Exploring your impulse to shut down, or run, or say something rude, sarcastic, demeaning or hurtful puts on the affective brakes. Where is that impulse coming from? What word, phrase, look or tone of voice set you off? Stay curious. Take time to figure that out before you accost someone with your own powerful emotional energy. This is spiritual work, and it’s work the world desperately needs right now. Disagree with intention and love. Just maybe we’ll be able to start fostering a kinder world, two people at a time.
